


downpour;

by dimpleskyun (orphan_account)



Series: the truth runs wild [4]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Dancing, Growing Up Together, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety & Depression, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-10-31 14:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17850932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/dimpleskyun
Summary: When Hoseok is nine he has an accident while dancing, the injury on his knee leaving a permanent scar—it hurts whenever the weather turns cold and rain falls.At nineteen his heart gets broken by his best friend and love of his life, Hyunwoo. This scar is also permanent and it hurts for a long,longtime.(Or, a story about first loves, coming out, growing up, and second chances.)





	downpour;

**Author's Note:**

  * For [taelights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/taelights/gifts).



> this has been in my drafts for nearly A YEAR! for some reason it took me a long time to come around and finish it hdjksd
> 
> this is for you, sarah, i hope you like!! 💛 💛 💛 💛
> 
>  
> 
> (btw, a lot of it is not yet proof read but i'll do that in the following days!! today i'm beat djskds)

**Early fall '12**

There's something refreshing and hopeful when one is done with high school, absolved with a big part of a human's life. And there are so many possibilities ahead, so many ways how life can proceed from there on. University right in front of one or perhaps work, or discovering the world, or taking a break from responsibilities and duty and instead partying and letting loose (experiencing all those things one might have missed while being cramped to the neck with school work and exams).

Hoseok stands in front of his university's doors on the first day of his new classes, he's chosen the most likely and safest way to go towards his big next step in life. It hasn't been easy for him to get there but he's made it and it is all he’s ever wanted. Majoring in dance, living his dream. Proving everyone that just because he grew up with an absent father; that just because his mother's job couldn't afford a better home for her and her children; that just because Hoseok and his older brother, Seonghan, had to work from a young age on to help their mother out with the bills; that just because he wore Seonghan's hand down clothes and brought Seonghan's hand down books to school; that just because he came from a poor family he wouldn't make it to university. He proved them all wrong, because Hoseok learned over the years that through hard work anything was (is) possible, and there he is today, about to start university.

He is nineteen now, absolved high school within the ten best students, getting recommendation letters from his teachers to get a better entry at his preferred university, and it worked. But even so, when he crosses the big door he feels devastated, he feels old and worn out, he feels as if he's been through hell. And rightfully so.

Heartbreak isn't easy to deal with. Not for the reasons people might think. Love certainly didn’t make him weak, and loving Hyunwoo didn’t make him weak or ruled by his emotions, it didn’t throw him out of loop and put a stop to his studies and devotion and ambition. It didn’t stop him from achieving where he stands today. But it did turn his heart cold and it did make him spent nights upon nights crying his eyes out, finding comfort in his best friend's arms who tried his best at consoling him. Minhyuk has been through all up and downs in Hoseok's life, and vice versa.

It started when Hoseok was four and met Hyunwoo, who had been five at that time, on the playground of their kindergarten. The reason Hoseok was at that kindergarten was because at that time his mom believed that even though things weren't going well in her marriage she didn't want her son to suffer from it so she wanted to give him the best; while Hyunwoo was there because it was close to his home and the easiest for his parents. They met in the sand pit, building a castle together for Hyunjin, a girl that claimed she needed a castle, and after that it was settled, they'd be best friends for life.

Hoseok only met Minhyuk years later, when he was nine and had to attend a new school, one that wasn't as prestige and expensive as the one Hyunwoo went to.

Because at nine Hoseok had a choice to make, either go to school with Hyunwoo or attend the dancing school Hyunwoo was a part of. His mother told him, voice calm but her hands shaky, that she couldn't give him both, not when their father wasn't there anymore to support them. Hoseok didn't understand at that age yet the gravity of the situation but he had understood enough to not complain when his mother gave him the ultimatum.

He chose the dancing school because he liked the way Hyunwoo would always talk about it, would show Hoseok some of his moves, laughing abashedly because he felt like he was making an ass out of himself—to Hoseok he never looked stupid, rather graceful and beautiful. With nine Hoseok learnt dancing, immediately realizing that it would play a bigger role in his life. The way his body reacted to the thrumming of the music, the way he knew how to place his feet on the ground only after being showed once by their teacher, moving his hands naturally to the beat; the way he felt his heart soar whenever music played and he found himself on the wooden floor of the dancing academy—the smell of sweat and whatever else lingering in the room. He knew there was something special about it all and so he did not regret his choice, even if it meant to be separated from his best friend during school hours.

He met Minhyuk that way; sometimes a sacrifice has to be made to find something else that would have been otherwise missing.

But the feelings—oh, the butterflies in his stomach, the sweaty hands, the summersaults his heart did, the shortness of breath—they came later when Hoseok was thirteen and Hyunwoo was fourteen and they were back in high school together—plus Minhyuk. The three of them attending the same high school.

Funnily enough it wasn't Hyunwoo who happened to be Hoseok's first kiss, it was Minhyuk. They were fourteen and in Minhyuk's house, hidden away in the darkness of Minhyuk's room, late at night with only the TV's light brightening up the room, both of them nervous and a bit tipsy from the pralines Minhyuk had stolen from his mother that contained alcohol (and it being their first experience with alcohol, it immediately hit them). They had been playing video games all evening, rotting the summer away in Minhyuk's room, dreading the beginning of the next school year, and in their tipsiness with the comfort of the darkness they had spilled their hearts and utmost deepest secrets, which turned out to be the same. They found an inexplicable and fearful attraction to the same gender, they reasoned then (to seal the deal, to make sure) to kiss each other. It was uncomfortable and sloppy and nothing all too pleasant because both had other boys in their minds when they kissed but it was an affirmation (at least for Hoseok, who previously only had kissed Hyunjin and another girl from the dance academy, neither of them made him feel as exhilarated as kissing his _very male_ best friend).

They talked about it the next morning and the day after, and the one after that, exploring their feelings for boys together, promising they'd tell each other if they ever had a crush on a boy (both of them lying because they were scared). Minhyuk was the first to break down, admitting he liked his neighbor, Chae Hyungwon, and Hoseok followed short after admitting he liked Hyunwoo. Unlike with Minhyuk's crush, which lasted for about another half a year after the admission, Hoseok's crush did not fade, it grew only stronger. Not strong enough to be love for he was still young, at fifteen, to really comprehend love.

(That came later, at seventeen.)

* * *

 

**Winter '09**

It's getting darker outside but Hoseok doesn't even bother paying attention to the fading sun rays that filter through the dusty window of the dance studio. He keeps moving to the music, one step forward, leaning on his foot so he can twist his body and land on his other foot, his arms moving fluidly in the air until they stop over his head, arched into a perfect circle…

“ _Shit_ ,” he mumbles under his breath, irritated and kicks the wooden floor with his sneakers, returning to his starting position to redo the movement. He needs it to be _perfect_ , he has to, there's no point in being mediocre.

He spins around again and again and again and again and again, his arms never quite ending up in the position he wants them to—he _needs_ them to. He lets out frustrated sigh after frustrated sigh until they turn into whines and soon his movements turn sloppy and aggressive and his cheeks are stained with tears and his mirrored silhouette is blurry as he looks at his form in the big mirror in front of him.

Despite the tears in his eyes that turn the entire dance studio into a pixelated image he can differentiate the figure standing by the door that wasn't there before and Hoseok falters in his posture, miscalculating his next step, and he crashes down, his right elbow colliding with the wooden floor, scraping open and he hisses at the pain that shoots up it.

“Hoseok!” the figure calls out, panicked, and they approach him. “Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that.” Hyunwoo crouches down next to Hoseok and reaches out his hand to help the younger out, checking as well his elbow for the fresh wounds. “Those are going to look purple for the next weeks.” He pulls a face, apologetic, and then his eyes are on Hoseok's, concerned and so, so incredibly beautiful.

Hoseok swallows and pulls his elbow out of Hyunwoo's grasp, turning his face away as well so the other doesn't see his tears, although it's probably way too late for that. Hyunwoo is biting his lip as he stares at him, unsaid words are on the tip of his tongue, ready to spill out but he holds back and just stares at him, and Hoseok feels unsettled. Thankfully it's dark in the studio, the sun long gone and the bit of light filtering through the door is not enough to fully show the emotions on his face.

“I told you, it's dangerous to dance in the dark,” Hyunwoo finally settles on saying, aware that that wasn't why Hoseok fell, aware that Hoseok is an excellent dancer and could dance with his eyes closed if he wished to do so.

But it's merely a distraction so they don't talk about whatever tension there has been arising in between them over the past months. They walk around each other as if there are scattered pieces of glass covering the floors that is their friendship. Hoseok wishes it wouldn't be like that anymore, he wishes he wouldn't feel the way he does towards Hyunwoo because it's jeopardizing whatever relationship they have left. He doesn't want to lose Hyunwoo just because he has a stupid and childish crush on him.

Because it's just that, a _crush_.

He knows crushes aren't even that much of a big deal, everyone gets them and everyone survives them, they pass, fade—whatever. He can deal with having a minor crush on Hyunwoo, what he can not deal with is the way it plays out. How his heart will just flutter in his chest, like a shy and insecure stutter that arises whenever Hyunwoo smiles at him and it's painful as much as it makes him feel sort of ecstatic. He does not like the way his hands get sweaty and even if he showers and sprays himself with dozens of deodorants (stealing Minhyuk's perfume when his friend isn't looking) only to end up smelling like he just ran a marathon whenever he is alone with Hyunwoo and the setting is mildly romantic— _or whatever!_

Hoseok hates all of that and in this moment, so close to Hyunwoo that he can even smell his shampoo (that he buys from the cheap groceries' store around the corner from the dance studio), he hates it even more because his heart flutters and his hands pick up in their shaking, more than usual, and there's only so much he can hide from Hyunwoo's worried glance in his direction.

“Get off me,” is what he says. Is what he manages to push past all the words that stumble on his tongue. Hyunwoo leans back, sitting on his heels, and stares quizzically at Hoseok, his messenger bag hangs loosely around his shoulders.

“Are you hungry?” Hyunwoo asks, still staring at him, but the room only gets darker and soon Hoseok can't even make out his friend's face in the darkness anymore—he only can guess where his lips would be, the nose, his eyes. He can't say what expression Hyunwoo holds, perhaps one of exasperation. “You need to eat more, Hoseok.”

“I know, I know. Minhyuk packed me some snacks, I was going to eat them.”

“That's not enough. You're a dancer, you need to eat properly,” Hyunwoo scolds him. He stands up and he reaches down his hand to help Hoseok up. “If not, you're going to collapse on stage.” Even if Hoseok can't see him he knows Hyunwoo probably has his lips pressed into a thin line, a frown decorating his forehead. “Again,” he adds.

“Fine,” Hoseok huffs out annoyed but his heart squeezes. He hates it. He stands up on his own, ignoring Hyunwoo hand and the pain in his elbow, in his wrists, in his knee. “Invite me, then.”

Hyunwoo is quiet for a moment before he laughs. “Deal.”

It's nearing one in the morning on a Wednesday night (or well Thursday morning) and they find themselves in a cozy and small shop that has opened until late in the night—until customers stop coming—and aside from them there's only a family in the back of the shop enjoying a small meal. The place is kinda shabby and the paint peels off from the walls but Hoseok likes the it anyway, there are photographs all over the walls, a collection of cactuses on the windowsill, and the sign by the entrance is neon. (He loves neon lights, they remind him of the bigger cities he wants to visit one day.) The shop is run by a family, passing it down to those children willing to take on over, keeping the secret of the delicacies within the family.

Hyunwoo flips through the menu and when the daughter of the owner comes by, Jieun, he smiles up at her and orders himself some noodles and a water. Hoseok bites his lips and scans the menu again, anxiety building up in his throat as he eyes all the various dishes, trying his best to ignore the grumbling in his stomach.

“It's fine. Get whatever you want, I got my paycheck today anyway.” Hyunwoo smiles at him, it's reassuring and warm and Hoseok swallows down the love that threatens to spill out.

“I'll take some fried chicken with extra rice and, uh, a cola,” he orders, embarrassed, but Jieun just nods disinterestedly and scribbles it down on her notepad, then leaves with the menus, to yell at the cook in the kitchen what they ordered.

Silence spreads over them and for a second Hoseok just basks in the moment, allows himself to imagine what it would be like if this were to be a _date_. He would reach out his hand and softly intertwine his fingers with Hyunwoo's, he would smile at him and they'd stay like that, smiling and staring at each other, without needing anything else in the world.

But the reality is the one of a very sweaty Hoseok, still in his dancing clothes, his elbow hurting, with his hair messy, and the tips of his fringe are wet and plastered to his forehead. His hands lie in his lap, swallowed by the long sleeves of his washed out green hoodie (that he stole from Minhyuk at some point in their long lasting friendship), and twisting together nervously as he steals glances at the boy sitting opposite from him. The reality is that Hyunwoo has his head resting in the palm of his hand, propped up on the table, as he stares around the small shop, distractedly smiling to himself. It's barely there, the smile, but Hoseok catches it and it makes his insides turn in longing and turmoil, and he can't help but stare.

He gets pulled out of his thoughts when a big bottle of water is placed in front of his face and he jumps in his seat, warily glancing up at Jieun, who looks down at him with her eyebrows raised amusedly. Hyunwoo doesn't seem to notice anything and just thanks her, pouring himself and Hoseok some water into their respective glasses. Jieun puts down Hoseok’s cola next to his glass of water, then she leaves to stand behind the counter again.

“You little shit.” A boy their age approaches their table, he wears an apron draped around his waist, it's stained with food and grease, and his black hair is pushed away from his face hidden beneath a white hat. He holds a silver tray with their dishes and on his face is a big grin, his eyes are cast on Hyunwoo. “You should've told me you're coming by.” He places the plates on the table and then grabs an empty chair to sit himself with them.

“Ugh,” Jieun lets out from where she stands behind the counter, scribbling away on a piece of paper (most likely solving crosswords or Sudokus). She eyes her cousin with distaste but doesn't say anything.

“Sorry, it was unplanned,” Hyunwoo apologizes, grinning at the boy.

Hoseok ducks his head and begins eating his meal silently. He glances up from time to time at the way the two of them talk, going by their body language he supposes they must know each other for quite some time or perhaps they're… _lovers_. Hoseok stuffs his mouth with as much rice as possible and swallows it together with whatever feelings were pushing their way up his throat.

The boy—Hoseok has learnt his name is Kihyun—finally looks away from Hyunwoo and settles his eyes on Hoseok, he squints at him as if he was sizing him up.

“Who's this?” he asks casually, glancing shortly at Hyunwoo, expecting an answer.

“I'm Hoseok,” he replies for himself and Kihyun's eyebrows shoot up, he seems to know Hoseok for some reason, which is mildly unsettling.

“Lee Hoseok?”

“Yes?”

Kihyun looks as if he wants to say something, his lips curling up into a smile, it's amicable and teasing, but Hyunwoo reaches out his hand and grabs his friend's upper arm, squeezing it and there's an unsaid warning in his expression.

“Hyunwoo has mentioned you. A lot,” Kihyun says, seizing up Hoseok, who feels exposed—vulnerable. “You two go way back, huh?” There's bitterness in his tone. Or at least Hoseok thinks so, detecting the slight frown on Kihyun's face.

“We met in kindergarten, yes,” Hoseok tells him, feeling as if there's a puzzle piece he is missing.

Kihyun just nods at that, turning his head back to Hyunwoo, saying he needs to head back to the kitchen. He places both his hands flat on the surface of the table and pushes himself up, leaving them alone again.

“Do you remember when I told you that there's someone I am interested in?” Hyunwoo inquires once Kihyun is out of ear shot. Hoseok nods, unable to formulate any words.

How could he forget? Half a year ago Hyunwoo came to him, his eyes sparkling and words upon words spilling out of his mouth about someone that he had met at the tutoring classes he attends for his university entrance exams. (Hyunwoo had decided during the summer to take up tutoring and extra classes so he can graduate earlier and with top scores to get into an _Economic's_ program that he has been wanting to get into for years.) After he told all about this person he had met, Hoseok went home with his heart heavy and hurting, calling up Minhyuk immediately to have him over so he could pour out his heart to his friend. He cried for hours in Minhyuk's arms until dawn was close and they went out to the bakery right around the corner from the apartment Hoseok lives at to eat breakfast and ditch school.

Hoseok has a bad feeling about what Hyunwoo is about to tell him but he motions at him to continue, anyway.

“That's him. Kihyun,” Hyunwoo confesses, smiling shyly at Hoseok, and the tips of his ears turn red.

And Hoseok knows he is supposed to be ecstatic, cheer his friend on, tell him that Kihyun is a real catch and will surely return Hyunwoo's feelings—he would be stupid not to—but it takes Hoseok a moment to get rid of the knot in his throat, of the tears that threaten to spill out of his eyes. He grabs the water glass, downing half of it, coughing a bit. Hyunwoo throws him a wary glance.

“He seems… nice,” Hoseok tells his best friend, at a lack for better words.

“He is. Do you think he likes me, too?”

It's torture but Hoseok starts a rant about how great Hyunwoo is and that there's no reason for him to doubt his charms and strengths. He encourages his friend in the best way possible as he slowly dies on the inside.

After dinner they are finally out on the streets again, walking around the familiar neighborhood. The pale houses are looking even paler in the light coming from the lamps—recently they got updated to a rather whiteish and shrill light, and Hoseok misses the warmth they had before—with the paint peeling off of the buildings, and signs hanging askew over the shops. It's probably not the prettiest neighborhood, with the rats running in the shadows and searching in between trash for food, but it's all Hoseok has ever known and he has come to love it. They pass by their school, the building looks a lot more imposing in the middle of the night, all lights shut off and the blinds pulled down by the windows.

They round two more corners and there in between two tall apartment and office buildings, in a smaller street lined up with shops, is the flat he lives in with his mom, older brother, and younger sister. It's positioned above a washing center so it always smells nice but the downside is that the washing center opens early in the morning so Hoseok is always up three hours before school even starts, woken up by the chatter of the customers and the whirring of the machines.

“I'll see you tomorrow then.” Hyunwoo walks up the street with him, hands shoved inside his trousers' pockets and he looks torn. The red and white lighting of the washing center's sings makes his skin shimmer, and something about him looks ethereal.

Hoseok wishes he could see the stars reflected in Hyunwoo's eyes. The moon tints his skin in a pale, bluish light. Hoseok wishes for a lot.

“Today, you mean.” He grins at him but Hyunwoo doesn't let out his usual laugh, instead he looks at Hoseok with an intensity the younger hasn't seen the other ever wear.

“Hoseok, are you okay?” he asks and Hoseok's grin falters.

He casts his eyes downward, the storm in his chest only rising, but he can't utter any words out. He won't. It's a weight he won't drop on Hyunwoo, not now— _not ever_ , he thinks—he'll just wait until it fades away to a pain in the back of his head. To a scar that only hurts on certain occasions; like the scar in his knee that he got at nine when collapsed during his first dance performance ever, and the pain resurfaces whenever it's cold and rainy, the downpour reminding him of it.

“I am, don't worry about it,” he lies, lifting up his eyes again and managing to shoot a blinding smile at Hyunwoo. Blinding the truth.

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me.” Hyunwoo looks betrayed, of course he knows Hoseok isn't okay.

“I will be fine. I just have some thoughts on my head but it's nothing serious. I _promise_.”

Hyunwoo looks as if he wants to push the matter, get an answer out of Hoseok that's not as vague as the ones he has given so far, but instead he lets out a defeated sigh. He runs a hand through his hair and leans forward to give Hoseok a quick hug.

“Sleep well.”

“You, too,” Hoseok tells him and watches the way Hyunwoo turns around, walks back out of the small alley.

The tears sting in his eyes as he unlocks the front door of the building. He'll call Minhyuk in the morning, ask him to ditch school together so they can stay in his flat and eat trashy food while they talk about their feelings and watch some movies. He needs some good _bro time_ , as Minhyuk jokingly calls it.

* * *

 

**Spring '10**

There's something incredibly calm in watching the rain pour down from the sky.

Hoseok sits in the therapist's office, a cup of cinnamon tea on the table in front of him—the therapist, Dr Min, sits across from him—and his gaze is turned towards the gray sky outside, it's that time in spring where the rain falls and falls and the sun shines warmer and warmer. Everything is in full bloom, green covers the land, flowers opening to welcome the nice weather. As much as Hoseok loves to see the colorfulness of early spring, he hates the pollen—being allergic against most flowers that are blooming at this time of the year.

It's only his fourth time with Dr Min but it feels like an eternity already. He knows the office well. A small and confined space, with white walls all around, three gray chairs around the small table in the center of the room; the door is opposite of the windows, left of it is the therapist's desk with papers scattered about and a shut off computer right in the middle; on the walls are different motivational posters; and to the right of the door is a sink, for some reason that Hoseok still has to ask about—and his talks with Dr Min feel all too familiar, like a routine. It's something he looks forward to, something that gives him peace and relieve.

At first he was dubious about going to a therapist to talk about all the stress he is facing in school, in the dance academy, and the anxiety of discovering and dealing with his sexuality. He always thought therapists were only for the most extreme cases but after consulting his school's counselor on multiple occasions due to his grades slipping drastically and his teachers coming up to him to ask him about his mental health, he finally conceded in seeking out a professional. And it helps. It's comforting being able to spill out all of his thoughts with no barrier, with no worries—no filter—just someone to talk to that _will_ listen and give advice from the most neutral point of view.

"You mentioned in our previous meeting that the person you're in love with won't reciprocate those feelings; why do you think that?" Dr Min asks him after their previous topic of conversation has come to an end. Hoseok lets out a sigh and looks away from the downpour outside to fixate his eyes back on the therapist.

His love life. They haven't exactly dabbled in that, yet; just graced the surface of it in the previous meetings because Hoseok is still terrified of fully claiming the term _gay_ , to fully admit to himself what he is—who he is. He is scared once he tells Dr Min about his sexual orientation, that his view of Hoseok might change; which is stupid because he will still be the same Hoseok, but that's the world they live in.

"Because the person I'm in love with, it's—it’s a _he_ ," Hoseok confesses, his eyes flickering away from Dr Min's inquisitive stare.

"Ah, I see," the therapist just says, scribbling down something in his notebook. "And does he know that you're not straight?" he asks again, not using gay either. He doesn't look at Hoseok differently when their eyes meet again, there's not alternating in his gaze, no judgement. Just the same inquisitive and sympathetic eyes as always.

“No,” he admits. “I’m still new to really admit to myself that I’m—that I might not be straight.” He lets out a sigh, avoiding eye contact with Dr Min. “Only my best friend, Minhyuk, knows of this. And another one of my friends.”

“Why haven’t you told this crush of yours about your sexuality?”

“I—I don’t know. He’s gay himself, or bi, I’m not really sure…”

“Are you scared that something might change the friendship?”

“Yeah. I am.”

“What exactly are you scared will change?” he asks, scribbling down something, and Hoseok looks out of the window again.

He wishes he could have an easy answer to this but he doesn’t. He isn’t quite sure himself what _exactly_ he is so terrified of. Hyunwoo wouldn’t judge him for his sexuality, he wouldn’t stop being friends with Hoseok because of it, and surely he wouldn’t mock him for it… Yet, Hoseok can’t bring himself to tell this to his friend.

“Let me rephrase,” Dr Min starts and Hoseok looks at him. “Would it be so bad if something were to change in your relationship with him after you tell him about your sexuality?”

Hoseok stays quiet after that. Would be bad? He never really thought about that, he just had this overwhelming fear of _something_ changing in between them, he never quite stopped to think that it might bring _good_ change. The word change in itself was terrifying enough to paralyze him completely.

“I—I don’t know,” he answered, holding Dr Min’s gaze to let him see that he really had no idea and wasn’t hiding anything.

Therapy is a lot different from what he always thought. He assumed that he went there and talked to a therapist who gave him advice and told him what he was supposed to do, but Hoseok has learnt that that isn’t the case, instead he just gets asked a lot of questions that he somehow tries to answer and through these questions he comes to realizations. He finds answers he wasn’t even looking for or finds doors he didn’t think could be opened. There’s a lot he has been learning about himself lately, and this is just another one of those occasions in which he gets presented with a question he never really thought about, an alternative he never considered.

Maybe change isn’t bad, it could be good.

“Let’s imagine you tell him, what’s the worst that could happen?” Dr Min further inquiries. “You know he probably won’t judge you for your sexuality, so what’s something bad that could happen that makes you so scared of it?”

Hoseok thinks about it, really thinks about this. He imagines he is in Hyunwoo’s room or Hyunwoo is over at Hoseok’s, they’re watching some show or a movie or something, and he just brings up the subject. He tells Hyunwoo he is gay. Hyunwoo would probably just look at him, taking in the information—process what it means—and then he’d smile at Hoseok. Maybe he’d hug him. He would tell Hoseok that he’s proud of him and thank him for his honesty—or something close to that. There really isn’t a downturn. Hyunwoo certainly wouldn’t immediately suspect Hoseok has a crush on him, he isn’t that kind of guy…

“I don’t think—” he starts but stops himself again. There’s a thought in the back of his mind that’s nagging him. It’s been there ever since Dr Min asked him what he was so scared of.

What if Hyunwoo says he likes Hoseok? What if for some reason Hyunwoo reciprocates Hoseok’s feelings? What would that mean? How would that make Hoseok feel? He isn’t sure. It’s something he want, but he’s grown so used to the idea that it’s impossible and never going to happen, and that he has to overcome these feelings of his, that the alternative of actually, possibly, dating Hyunwoo sounds foreign and scary to him. Even if it is what he wants, he isn’t so sure of he would deal with the _reality_ of it.

“I think,” he starts again, his voice shaking, “something I’m scared of is that he might return my feelings,” he finally admits. He’s terrified of admitting this out loud—to himself, too.

Dr Min stays quiet for a moment. Hoseok thinks he might be a bit perplexed. Then he scribbles down something in his notebook again.

“Isn’t that what you want, though?” he asks. “You have a crush on him and usually that means you’d like to date that person; so why are you scared of that possibility?”

“I don’t really know. I just—this is new to me. I’ve been trying not to think about it, but I shouldn’t keep being in denial of that fear, or else I won’t make any progress.” Dr Min nods at that, staying quiet as he senses Hoseok isn’t done yet talking. “But I think, maybe, I just don’t feel ready to really date? If that makes sense. I really like him. But he likes someone else and…” he trails off, unsure where he was going with it. His thoughts are running around in his head and he has no time to organize them, understand them.

“You’re still young. You have a lot of time ahead of you to try out dating,” Dr Min tells him. He smiles encouragingly at Hoseok. “It must be hard growing up not straight, having all these examples of how a relationship is supposed to look like, a man and a woman, but feeling so detached from it. You must have grown up with a lot of insecurity because of this.” Hoseok nods at that. It’s been hard. Even if his mom supports him; his brother, too. His sister is still too young to really understand and he hasn’t told her, yet. Then there are Minhyuk and Hyungwon, both of them just like him and it was such a relief to him to know that—to know that he isn’t alone and has the support from both his friends. Still, it wasn’t easy. Realizing that all these examples, all these guides on how his life could go—is supposed to go—suddenly turned meaningless when he realized he is gay. And it felt like he stood all alone then, his future cloudier than before, and now he has to find a new path on his own. Discover what he’s supposed to do because he doesn’t fall in the norm. “It’s very normal in young, gay teens to take a while before they date or get involved in anything remotely sexual. A lot of the time their teen years are spent with self discovery and acceptance; some even struggle with it in their twenties. I would say don’t pressure yourself too much with this. This crush you have, cherish it, but don’t force yourself to turn it into something you’re not ready for,” Dr Min advises him. Hoseok nods.

“Yeah, I know,” he says. “I know now.”

“Maybe you could come out to your crush, it could fortify your relationship with him.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Think of yourself in five years. You’ll be twenty-two by then, right?” Hoseok nods. “What would you regret more, having told him or having kept your sexuality a secret from him?” And that’s such a hard thing for Hoseok to visualize and answer. “Maybe try to not see him as a crush and just as another friend that you’re going to tell an important thing about yourself. Just like you did with your two other friends.”

 

It’s a couple of days after his session with the therapist and he finds himself in one of the practice rooms in the dance academy. It’s late at night, the sun setting slowly and the cold returning, and he’s practicing a choreography for an upcoming showcase. Hyunwoo is there as well, they’re in the same dance unit for this one. Hyungwon is their third man, but he went home already as he has a test to ace the following day—plus he’s good enough to not have to practice this much, and he isn’t as obsessed with perfectionism as Hoseok is. So it’s just the two of them.

They’re taking a break from dancing, lying on the floor of the practice room, breathing heavily from the exertion. The sun is hanging low in the sky, some last of its rays shining through the big window of the room, most of the sky already a dark bluish gray. Hoseok turns his head to look at Hyunwoo, who’s looking up at the ceiling. Hyunwoo’s skin glisters and Hoseok is a bit entranced by the visual. Then Hyunwoo turns his head and they’re staring at one another. They’re lying with their heads at the same height but their bodies spread out in opposite directions.

Hoseok supposes there’s no better time than now. There will never be a good time to say these kind of things.

“Hyunwoo,” he starts and his friend just blinks at him, humming out a quiet sound of affirmation. “I—there’s something I need to tell you…” He searches Hyunwoo’s face, but there’s nothing there that gives him an indication. His friend just looks like he always does—maybe is features are a bit softened due to the lighting in the room. But Hyunwoo looks at Hoseok with the same kind of openness and affection as he always does. He hopes he won’t fuck that up with what he’s about to tell him. “I’m gay.”

The silence is deafening and terrifying and Hoseok can feel his blood run through his body, he can feel his heart hammer painfully in his chest. _Please_ , he thinks, he isn’t sure what he’s pleading for. Hyunwoo looks at him, his eyes searching Hoseok’s, and at first his face doesn’t change but then he sits up abruptly. Hoseok feels his heart sink. _Fuck_. Hyunwoo wears a frown now and Hoseok is scared of what it might mean.

“I—” he begins to say but there’s nothing that comes to his mind that he could say.

“Okay,” Hyunwoo just says but he stands up leaving Hoseok still lying on the floor. This isn’t how Hoseok pictured this to go. The older of the two walks to the stereo, pressing some buttons until a song starts playing, it’s an older one that they practiced las year. “That’s—good. I’m proud of you,” Hyunwoo tells him and reaches down his hand for Hoseok to take. He’s smiling now and it’s his usual warm smile, when his eyes turn into crescents, crinkling by the corners, that makes him look goofy and soft.

“Yeah. Thank you,” Hoseok says as he takes his friend’s hand. Maybe it isn’t so bad after all, maybe he was just overthinking it. Hyunwoo seems fine, normal, now.

Hoseok smiles back, and Hyunwoo’s eyes linger on him for a moment, but then it’s gone and they begin to move to the song, the choreography coming back to them. Dancing as easy and natural as walking to them.

* * *

 

**Fall '12**

With Halloween approaching the corridors in the university slowly fill with the appropriate decorations—spider webs hanging from the ceiling, pumpkins standing on the windowsills, a skeleton here and there next to a door (dressed, for some odd reason, in butler attire), cut out paper bats stuck to the walls—and the café nearby where Hoseok gets his caffeine fix doesn't look much different, with drinks suited for the season.

Hoseok likes fall. There's something magical in the way the sky turns grayer and grayer by the day and yet the scenery is still so colorful with the orange, red, and yellow leaves decorating the trees and covering the ground like a blanket.

He’s settled fairly well into his college routine. Visiting classes during the morning, Fridays he has one afternoon class, too. On the weekends and Mondays he part times. The time in between he practice in the college’s dance studio or hangs out with Minhyuk and Hyungwon. Every second week him and Minhyuk clean their shared apartment, blasting music as they swipe clean every corner in the apartment. It’s nice having this routine, being busy. Occasionally he visits Dr Min, still, to vent about this and that but it’s not as often as it used to be. He takes his meds and does his best in being a functioning human being—an adult.

But at nighttime, when he lies in his bed and the darkness surrounds him, his thoughts visit Hyunwoo. He wonders what he is up to these days. They go to the same college but different faculties. Hoseok is in the performative art faculty while Hyunwoo studies economics all the way across campus, next to the science faculty where Minhyuk studies medicine. Once Hyungwon starts college the following year him and Hyunwoo will be at the same faculty and it makes Hoseok nervous, the possibilities of bumping into him will be bigger, this safe bubble he’s been living in will fade. Another thing that threatens the peace he has created for himself is that Kihyun attends the art faculty, too, studying photography. He’s seen him around a couple of times, and Kihyun always greets him with a nod of his head, and Hoseok, being the polite person that he is, nods back.

He’s heard that the two have broken up a year ago, after Hoseok had his argument with Hyunwoo—he tries not to think about that coincidence. He’s not the reason for it, but sometimes he feels guilty about it anyway. He doesn’t really know how to feel about Kihyun these days, it’s not as if he really can hate him. Love happens and it happened in between Hyunwoo and Kihyun, and it is over now, and Hoseok really can’t hate him for it, if anything he should feel happier now that it’s over, but that feels _wrong_. So, he doesn’t know what he feels towards Kihyun. It’s in some strange grey area, for now.

Minhyuk suggested a couple of times that maybe Hoseok and Kihyun could become friends, since they have a lot in common, and Hoseok has thought about it. He’ll talk about that with Dr Min, vent his feelings about it and maybe come to a helpful conclusion together with his therapist.

All of these thoughts and worries circulate his mind whenever he tries to go to bed and sleep, and it sometimes drives him crazy. Especially when they all go towards Hyunwoo. It’s been over a year since their fall out and he misses him so much, but the space has given him time to think and reflect and heal and overcome his feelings. At least most of them, he still feels some of that love left in some corners of his heart and he doesn’t know when those will fade. Sometimes he doesn’t even want them to go away, there’s this strange hope he holds on to that maybe in the future him and Hyunwoo could be together. It’s stupid and naive, but Hoseok is a romantic, of the worst kind, and it seems that once his heart makes up its mind there’s no going back. He hates that he’s fallen in love once, years ago, and still feels the same way even if he’s been hurt and his heart has been broken, many, _many_ times.

He can’t even blame Hyunwoo, really. His friend did not choose to fall in love with Kihyun. Hyunwoo did not choose not to fall in love with Hoseok. It’s just that Hoseok simply isn’t his type, or he isn’t enough for him, and Hoseok is stuck in an unrequited love—has been for years. Life sometimes simply is like that and there’s nothing he can do about it, except try his best in overcoming this love and move on. He hopes one day he will be able to love someone else this much.

* * *

 

**Early summer '10**

It's the dizziness and haziness in his brain above all that prompts him to do what he does next, there's no other explanation, in no way would he in an unaltered state of mind wander around in the big house, joint hidden in between his fingers, brushing past all the people without paying them much attention and set on walking over to the staircase he knows is by the back of the house, underneath it is one of the numerous bathrooms of the house.

He knows the Son residence like the back of his hand.

Hoseok stops before he ascends the stairs, readjusts his tank top around his collarbones, making sure it doesn't sit too loosely, and then he takes a deep breath and walks up the stairs, carefully and slowly. He reaches out his free hand to hold himself upright by the wall, the darkness above him makes him feel even dizzier, but he knows the house, has known it for forever, so he keeps his hand on the wall, trailing it over the tapestry until he reaches the light switch. He flips it and immediately the hallway in the first floor is flooded with soft lighting. He walks up the last few steps and stares at the family pictures put up (one of Hyunwoo and his older brother, Minkyun, arms slung around each other and smiling brightly at the camera, it's from 2004; a picture of Hyunwoo's parents on their wedding day, they're smiling at each other, so full of love ; Hyunwoo at age three or four, holding an ice cream, behind him is the ice cream parlor Hyungwon's cousin owns now; a picture of Hyunwoo and Hoseok, taken on Hoseok's first day of school, before he even met Minhyuk) and at the paintings (all of them painted by Minkyun, from when he first started as a small child all through the years to where he is now, as a professional painter and owner of a gallery).

Hoseok keeps his hand on the wall as he walks down the hallway it brushes over the small bumps and cracks in the wall, it all feels heightened and his fingertips tingle at all the sensations. His heart feels strangely alight and he almost can feel the way his blood pumps through his veins. He wears Converse shoes and yet it feels as if he is walking barefoot over the wooden floor, the thumping of the bass downstairs sends tingling sensations through his feet. He stops in front of the door to Hyunwoo's room and pushes it open softly, he hopes (wishes) his friend is in there, and to his delight he finds Hyunwoo sitting on his own bed, an empty beer bottle on the floor, staring at the wall opposite of him. He looks tired but content and when he notices Hoseok by the doorframe, his eyes locking on Hoseok's, he smiles at him.

Hyunwoo motions at him to come over with a wave of his hand.

“Hey,” Hoseok greets him, his voice raspy and low, and walks over to him, stopping right in front of him, the tips of their shoes brushing and Hoseok wonders how he can feel that through the layer of plastic at the front of his Converse shoes and the socks he is wearing. But his toes tingle. “Do you want to split it?” He holds up the unlit joint, heart beating fast in his chest. Hyunwoo stares at him but doesn't say anything. “It's good stuff, I promise, it's from Jennie.”

“Okay,” Hyunwoo agrees and sits up straight, patting the spot next to him on his bed and Hoseok sits down gracefully (or as gracefully as he can manage in his inebriated state).

He digs around in his jeans' pockets until he finds the lighter he used earlier, it's white and red and there's a print of the logo of the washing center he lives above and Hyunwoo laughs as he takes it out of his hands. His thumb runs over the logo, his smile faltering slightly, he looks up at Hoseok and there is an intensity in his eyes suddenly.

It's not something Hoseok has ever seen in Hyunwoo's eyes or ever in someone else's eyes, at least not when they are directed at him, and it makes him swallow. He looks down at his fumbling hands, the unlit joint between his index and middle finger, ashes from the tip fall on his clothed knee. He softly tugs the lighter out of Hyunwoo's hand—he notices how pretty his hands are, long and slender fingers, his nails polished and shiny—and lights the joint, quickly placing it in between his lips to take a drag. The tip sizzles quietly, the red and orange light from it bright in the badly lit bedroom.

Hyunwoo moves his hand up and takes the joint out from in between Hoseok's lips, his eyes fixated on Hoseok's lips, even as he takes a drag himself. Hoseok's can't help but stare at Hyunwoo's lips as well, the way they shape around the joint, pressing together when he inhales and then parting softly, the smoke coming out in waves until Hyunwoo exhales. His lips look paler in the light and with the gray smoke hovering over them but to Hoseok they're no less desirable.

(God, how he wants to kiss them.)

But instead what he does is take the joint back, before he can take another drag though Hyunwoo grabs his wrist delicately, moving it down and shifting so that they're sitting closer. His body angled towards Hoseok, incredibly closer, and his eyes look dark without the lights turned on. Something about it makes Hoseok's skin crawl, his heart beating faster in his chest, his lungs unable to catch up on breath. It's as if he is put under a spell right then. His hand shakes as he disposes the joint in side the empty beer bottle, faintly he picks up the noise of the joint sizzling as it dies in whatever liquid is left in the bottle.

Hyunwoo leans in even closer, his lips pressing against Hoseok's in a soft yet full of intent kiss.

 

Hoseok is in an empty, big room. The walls are painted white and from outside comes the noise of the waves hitting the shore, the noise filters through the big and opened glass door in the room. A white curtain moves slowly in the soft breeze. It's soft and warm and when Hoseok looks closer at the white curtain he makes out that someone is standing at the other side of it. It's a boy about his height, maybe a bit taller, his head his turned to the side and Hoseok knows that profile. The shape of the nose and the way the lips part, exhaling a gentle sigh. He knows it. The boy behind the curtain reaches out his hand to draw back the curtain, his hands are well manicured and look beautiful, and Hoseok blinks up at the boy. His heart feels light and it's soaring in his chest, a feeling he hasn't really felt before. Not with that intensity.

He closes his eyes to bask in the moment: the warmth, the soft breeze passing through, the coming and going of the waves…

Bright light hits his eyelids, he frowns trying to move, turn away, but something holds him in place and with a groan he opens his eyes, the sun shining directly into his face. He closes them again, this time reaching up the hand that isn't being held to shelter himself form the stinging rays of sunshine, and dares to look around, to locate where exactly he finds himself.

He sees the big poster of _Rain_ , he sees the shelf with different awards of dance showcases, and relief floods his body. Hyunwoo's room. But when he looks down at his body to see why his right arm and part of his body is immobilized he realizes with horror that an apparently naked Hyunwoo is hugging him tightly, his hair a mess and a trail of hickeys on his neck.

Hoseok feels mortified and looks down at his own exposed chest. Veiled and undetermined memories come crashing back, and he feels the panic reach out its hands and take ahold of his heart, squeezing it tightly, and soon the panic makes its way up his throat, a knot forming, and he can't breathe anymore. He pushes Hyunwoo off his chest with all the force he can muster up and then rolls himself off of the bed, faintly he hears Hyunwoo groan in protest, but he doesn't pay attention to it, he pulls up what he supposes are his jeans and the tank top he had worn last night.

In a state of panic and dread he fleas the room, barely registering that Hyunwoo is calling his name, desperately.

“Hoseok! Wait! Hoseok, please!”

But the panic is stronger than his wish to stay and be in Hyunwoo's arms, blissful and unbothered by whatever it was that had happened the night before. God, how he wishes he could crawl back there and close his eyes, sleep for a couple of hours more and then have breakfast. Tease Hyunwoo over the mess his house is in and then help him clean up before his parents come back from their weekend trip. Convince Minkyun to order them take out later.

But he is already running down the clean and family friendly streets of the neighborhood. At least it's a Sunday and most people are either having breakfast or at church. He stops a few blocks away, catching his breath as he thinks what his next best option could be. His skin feels sticky, his hair is a tangled mess, and he knows his tank top does a bad job at concealing the hickeys on his collarbones. He knows he must reek of sweat, alcohol, and smoke. He must look like a mess and he wishes the sun wouldn't be as bright as it is, he wishes people wouldn't stare at him as if he is dangerous or out of his mind.

A mother passes by and she takes a short glance at him, then tightens her grip on her son's hand, pulling him along quickly and forcefully to get away from Hoseok's pitiful figure. He watches them walk away out of the corner of his eye.

He could go home but his brother is probably home and he isn't in the mood to fight with him, even less in front of Eunji. He could visit his mom in the hospital but then he thinks of the state he finds himself in and he doesn't want to embarrass her in front of her coworkers so instead he walks over to the nearest bus stop. In his jeans' pocket is his wallet and he knows his bus card is somewhere in there.

Twenty minutes later the bus pulls up next to the big mall, it's busy and people are walking around excitedly. Hoseok tries not to think about his horrible appearance and walks out of the bus and right into the mall, ignoring all by passers that shoot him judging looks, he walks with his head ducked and eyes strained on his Converse shoes until he reaches the familiar entrance of his friend's cousin's ice cream parlor.

Minhyuk is behind the counter together with Hyungwon, they're handling the big crowd that is inside well enough, and Hoseok moves to sit on one of the empty stools by the counter, resting his head in his hand as he glances around the parlor. To his surprise he spots Lee Jooheon sitting alone in one of the booths, an iced coffee in front of him, he flips through the menu seemingly bored but Hoseok sees that he is glancing up every couple of seconds to look at Minhyuk.

“Hoseok.” Hyungwon approaches him once the swarm of customers is gone and Hoseok looks up at the tall boy, blinking owlishly, and he realizes he must have dozed off because there's a mug with coffee sitting in front of him and Hyungwon holds a plate of waffles with ice cream. “Rough night?” He smirks, obviously seeing the hickeys and the general disarrayed state Hoseok is in.

“Shut up.” Hoseok takes a sip of the coffee and then he nods at Jooheon, who still sits in the booth but now he isn't reading the menu anymore, instead he is looking at the counter like a lost puppy. “What's he doing here?”

“When I came in this morning at 7 he was here already, with Minhyuk. They were listening to _Africa_ ,” Hyungwon replies with a roll of his eyes before he walks off, behind the counter again. “Do you want me to call out Minhyuk?” he asks, giving Hoseok a questioning glance, and Hoseok nods.

He remembers then the previous night walking off to find Hyunwoo after Jooheon suddenly appeared out of nowhere—out of place, like a Fata Morgana. Minhyuk's attention then, of course, was only focused on the younger boy and Hoseok decided not to intrude in his friend's attempts to befriend the Lee boy (and possibly woo him or whatever), so Hoseok walked off.

He guesses now that whatever tactics Minhyuk did must have worked as Jooheon is still there in the ice cream parlor, looking utterly lost.

“The man himself,” Minhyuk says as he approaches the table Hoseok is sitting at, an apron tied around his waist, the Chae's Fruity Fantasies print on it is faded and there are coffee stains as well as other stains on it, but Minhyuk manages to somehow pull off the look. He smirks as he sits across from Hoseok, folding his hands on the table. He glances at where Jooheon sits at before his eyes return on his friend. “Do tell, what happened last night after you walked off? Did you share the joint with Hyunwoo or did you two share more?” he asks, eyes roaming over Hoseok's collarbones that peaked out of his tank top, not even bothering to conceal the amusement in his eyes.

“Shut up, you know I don't really condone underage sleeping, specially not while drunk so last night was a mistake,” Hoseok replied, frowning at the blur his memories still are, feeling guilty over his actions. “I feel so—so _dirty_. I haven't showered and I stink and I look horrible.”

“Don't worry, nothing could make you look bad you're like—like a _fucking_ walking model 24/7,” Minhyuk calms his worries, dismissively moving his hands in the air. But he does frown at Hoseok's words. “Did you really have sex with him?” he asks after a while, watching the way Hoseok ate his waffles.

“I'm not sure, I hope not,” he replies, swallowing his food, washing it down with coffee. He hesitates before he continues. “I don't remember,” he admits, feeling that guilt return to twist and turn his stomach. “After preaching to you and Hyungwon to not do any mistakes that you could very much regret later, I go and have sex with Hyunwoo. _Possibly_. While drunk.”

“And high,” Minhyuk adds, lips pulled into a thin line. He pulls up his hands to cradle his chin in them, pensively staring at Hoseok.

“Yes, thank you for reminding me.” Hoseok lets out a sigh, ranking his brain to remember anything from the haze his memories are.

He knows they made out, heatedly, shirts off and all, but that's about it, all that comes to him after that is waking up. Maybe… Maybe nothing really happened and he is panicking for nothing. But Hyunwoo was naked that morning, butt naked, and that had to mean something. He runs a hand through his hair in a distressed manner and finishes up his coffee.

“You know Hyunwoo likes to sleep naked,” Minhyuk says slowly, as if he knows exactly what Hoseok is thinking about. “Maybe nothing happened and you two just passed out. Would that make you feel better?”

“Kind of. But it still remains that we made out. That I made out with him fully knowing that he has a crush on Kihyun, which is a _reciprocated_ crush. May I add.”

Minhyuk sighs, dropping his hands on the table and playing with the napkin holder, eyes glazed over as he undoubtedly thinks of a solution to the problem, but Hoseok doubts there's much of a solution. He made a move on Hyunwoo, granted it was returned in the moment, but Hyunwoo was just as drunk as Hoseok (high, too) and it must have clouded his judgement, never in his sober state would he have kissed Hoseok back or went as far as have a make out session with him. Not even if his crush on Kihyun wouldn't exist. They weren't like that, they were just best friends.

“Have you ever thought about telling Hyunwoo about your feelings?” Minhyuk asks then but Hoseok holds up his hand, cutting off that train of thoughts immediately.

“What's the point? He and Kihyun will start dating soon, there's not doubt in that.” He shakes his head adamantly to dissipate Minhyuk's question even further. “Even if I would, he doesn't like me like that.”

“But whatever happened last night he—”

“ _Minhyuk_ ,” he cuts his friend off. He doesn't want to be given fake hope, he doesn't want to think about the possibility. Even if it were so, the way he sees Hyunwoo would change because of that. What kind of person kisses someone else while they're in love with another person? That's fucked up and he knows Hyunwoo is not that kind of person. “Whatever happened last night was a mistake on both sides. A lapse in judgement indulged by an inebriated state. Mistakes happen. He loves Kihyun and they should date, I want him to be happy and Kihyun is his happiness right now.”

“What about your happiness?” Minhyuk asks, eyes full of sadness and empathy, no pity.

“I can't believe you used that line,” he says with a laugh and Minhyuk rolls his eyes but there's a faint smile on his lips. “My happiness will come, too, eventually. Right now I'll just deal with a broken heart for however long it'll take me to overcome this.”

“I'll be right here by your side. Hyungwon, too,” Minhyuk promises him, reaching out his hand to squeeze Hoseok's shoulder tightly, reassurance hidden in the action. “Whatever you need, let us know.”

“Thank you.” Hoseok looks down at his now empty plate, blinking back the tears that threaten to spill out.

Two things he realizes then, 1) that he is on love with Hyunwoo, his best friend since he was a little boy, and he doubts it'll go away quick; and, 2) that there's no returning for those feelings and he has to say goodbye to this love already. It feels sudden, the realization that he is in love with Hyunwoo but he knows it has been growing for years, and he knows it'll fade through years. The idea that he has to say goodbye to something he only just welcomed is incredibly painful and destructive.

Hoseok clears his throat, discreetly passing the back of his hand over his eyes, catching the fear tears that have already spilled out. He knows that Minhyuk has caught on, nothing will pass by his best friend, but thankfully Minhyuk doesn't say anything about it, fully aware that Hoseok would rather have them talk about it later, at night and away from the busy ice cream parlor.

“So…” Hoseok starts to say, his voice the tiniest bit raspy. “Jooheon, huh?” he asks the first thing that crosses his mind, that will divert the attention of his failing love life to something (hopefully) a lot more positive. “You two on friendship basis now? What happened last night?”

Minhyuk blushes faintly, a smile threatening to bloom on his face but he dims it, passing a hand over his face, ducking his head. His eyes fleet over to Jooheon before they return on Hoseok.

“We spent the night together. Talking and eating ice cream and dancing to Toto's _Africa_. It was… _nice_. He is so funny and adorable and charming, and nothing like what I always thought. And he invited me to the cinema later,” Minhyuk rambles away, excitedly, his eyes shimmering with something Hoseok has seen before in Hyunwoo's eyes, whenever he talks about Kihyun. It hurts.

He tries to focus on the thousand words a second that Minhyuk speaks, he listens to the adoration his friend has for Jooheon. And he tries not to feel sad about it. Everyone around him falling in love while he has to say goodbye to his own.

At least he'll have Hyungwon to be single and heartbroken and bitter with.

* * *

 

**Winter '13**

As February approaches so does the pain in Hoseok's chest.

Two years it's been.

Two years since he last saw Hyunwoo.

He misses him so much but he can’t—the wound is still open and bleeding. Healing is taking a lot of time. Time that he knows he has to give himself but it’s so hard when he just wants to have Hyunwoo back in his life. 

* * *

 

**Winter '11**

In the end the argument starts over something small and mostly insignificant, that shouldn't have mattered as much as it turns out to be, but it's the straw Hoseok grasps to let everything out he has been bottling up over the years. All those feelings that are supposed to be so positive and strong yet used in a context where they draw concern, anger, sadness on Hyunwoo's face. Hoseok doesn't feel good about it but he can't stop the words that spill out of his mouth.

He doesn't really mean to hurt Hyunwoo like that, to hurt himself like that, but in the heat of the moment he is unstoppable, a violent force without a barrier to contain it. Usually his rock was Hyunwoo but in this case Hyunwoo is the cause for it all as well.

In the midst of it all Hoseok admits to his feelings, to the love that has grown over the years, that has destroyed him over the years. He admits to his heartbreak. He throws everything he has at Hyunwoo, unable to keep it locked away like he has been doing for so long. It's like a dam that breaks loose and the water just spills out, wildly and taking everything in its way. Water can be so calm, a flat surface mirroring the sky above, but in this moment it's a force so strong and violent.

When Hyunwoo leaves, face contorted into a mask of pain, Hoseok breaks down crying in some alley near to his house, kneeling on the floor with his hands in his hair and grasping at the strands that he finds underneath the beanie he is wearing. The grip he has on his hair is painful but it alleviates the pain in his chest, the pain thrumming through his body that can't just be patched up with a bandaid and some pain killers. He has to go through it, only the passage of time will heal it.

The coldness of the late winter that has broken out in February pulls him out of his state, snow falling from above until he is shivering due to the cold and not his pain anymore. He stays in the alley for a while longer until the need to seek warmth grows stronger that the despair he feels from shouting and yelling and fighting with Hyunwoo.

He walks to his apartment, the journey is a blur, he isn't really conscious of the things around him, and once at home he doesn't even bother with anything, crashing straight into his bed where the emotional exhaustion leads him into an unquiet sleep.

The next day Hoseok wakes up with his throat hurting and shivering despite the different layers of clothing he still wears from the previous day. He drags himself out of bed and makes his way through the dark flat until he reaches the bathroom, where he avoids his reflection in the mirror to head straight to the shower. The warm water brings him back to life but when he comes out of the bathroom to make himself some breakfast he knows he'll ditch school in favor to heal from whatever disaster he has unleashed the night before. Regret is the strongest emotions, above everything else, but it's not strong enough to retreat his words, to seek out Hyunwoo and apologize, because in between all the mean words and the anger that was a cause of the heat of the moment, there's truth in what he has said. There's truth in the fact that Hyunwoo has hurt him, has confused him, and that he can no longer see him, for the time being. He needs his space.

Hoseok sends out a text to Minhyuk, asking him to come over so they can ditch school together, and his friend agrees immediately, claiming he has something to digest as well.

* * *

 

**Fall '14**

The club looks exactly the same and it makes Hoseok feel nostalgic.

Ever since that first time four years ago it has become their regular place to go to for partying. These days he visits it more, not being a minor anymore and having more money to spend makes it easier for him and his friends to go there. Plus, lately he has been craving to just let go some, distract his mind from the stress at college, and maybe make out with someone. He feels like he has lost a lot of time during his teenager years to experience certain _things_ and now he wants to catch up. He dated some in the beginning of the year but broke it off relatively quick, it didn’t really feel right, and he realized he isn’t ready for commitment—not yet, at least, in the future he knows he will. He doesn’t want to admit that it is _still_ because of Hyunwoo, but it somehow is, and he hates it. He wants to _fucking_ overcome him, it’s been over three years since their fall out, yet whenever Hoseok sees Hyunwoo his heart hurts, and he wants to talk to him. Wants to know what Hyunwoo is doing these days.

Just like he suspected, whenever he goes to visit Hyungwon in college to have lunch together, it happens more often than not that he spots Hyunwoo in the hallways or cafeteria, and mostly he hides behind Hyungwon or a column or whatever other opportunity arises, but on some occasions Hyunwoo saw him and when their eyes met it felt as if he was back at being seventeen, eighteen, nineteen and hurting over his love for his best friend. They would hold each other’s eyes for some seconds until one of them turns away first, walking away at a fast pace. Hoseok hates it.

“Hoseok!” he hears a familiar voice call out. He turns around and sees Kihyun and Hyungwon in the distance. He waves at them.

He’s outside the club. Until now he was chatting with the bouncer, who’s still the same man as their first time here, and he’s become somewhat of a close acquaintance. He lets them in for free, in exchange they provide him with company every couple of hours or so when it gets too hot and suffocating inside the club and they go outside for some fresh air, enabling in a conversation with the bouncer to distract him of his work a bit.

“Sorry for being late,” Hyungwon apologizes, he shoots Kihyun a disapproving glare. “It’s all Kihyun’s fault.”

“Shut the _fuck_ up.”

“What happened?” Hoseok asks, curiously.

“Well he forgot his wallet so we had to go back to his flat. Then his flatmate said something about getting a high score in some game and Kihyun just _needed_ to see it,” Hyungwon complains.

“Listen, Changkyun worked hard to get that score, alright? He got me invested in the game,” Kihyun defends himself.

“You’re lucky he’s cute,” Hyungwon tells him. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have tolerated this bullshit.”

Kihyun wrinkles his nose. “Changkyun’s a mess. There’s nothing cute about him.”

“Oh, I would disagree.” Hyungwon smirks.

“I don’t think that—You know what, we’re not gonna get into this.” Kihyun leaves it at that, still grimacing at the thought of Hyungwon and Changkyun.

Hyungwon laughs loudly at that, wiggling his eyebrows. Kihyun just shoves him. The bouncer seems amused at their antics.

After an hour or so they’re smashed and they’re dancing to the music with the rest of the crowd. A sweaty mass guided by beats, lights flashing in the small room making their skin glisters, a smoke machine producing a cloud every once in a while, turning the room into a  spectacle of fog and dimmed lights.

Hyungwon has gone to order them something, but with how full the place is it’ll take him a while to come back. Hoseok is dancing with Kihyun. In the end he managed to all his heartbreak and feelings past him and befriended his crush's ex. Oddly enough it never really was awkward, even if it was supposed to be awkward and uncomfortable they got along fairly well from the start.

Hoseok lets his eyes trail around the room and to his horror he sees Hyunwoo in the distance, talking to someone. As if he notices someone looking at him, Hyunwoo lifts his eyes, looking around the crowded room and Hoseok is pretty sure their eyes meet. He can’t say for sure, though, through the fog and darkness and flashing, bright lights. _Fuck_ , he thinks and looks down at Kihyun. In his panic and inebriated state he does something incredibly stupid. He reaches out his hands to clasp them around Kihyun’s cheeks and he pulls him towards himself, then he leans his head down and kisses the other man. Kihyun lets out a yelp of surprise but Hoseok doesn’t let go, he has his eyes shut close and continues to kiss him. At some point Kihyun returns it. It’s not exactly comfortable or the best he’s had, but it isn’t terrible either. It’s pleasantly alright.

Hoseok even forgets for a moment why he is kissing him in the first place.

Then Kihyun pulls away, shooting him a questioning and confused look. Hoseok looks up to where Hyunwoo was sitting just to find him gone. (Guilt starts to eat him away.)

“What was that for?” Kihyun asks, yelling over the music, but Hoseok barely understands it. Kihyun rolls his eyes, he grabs Hoseok’s wrist and pulls him towards the exit of the small, crowded dancing area.

They see Hyungwon by the bar talking to the barista, caught up in the conversation, the drinks he was supposed to get them apparently forgotten as he is holding a single beer. They walk to one of the lounges by the back, where it’s quieter, but it’s where people hook up and they’re not exactly discreet about the things they do. Kihyun wrinkles his nose at what seems to be a blowjob in the making. They sit down on a couch by the far end, where there’s no one, so the can talk.

Kihyun is quiet for a moment, staring at his hands, then he looks up, locking his eyes with Hoseok. “Why did you kiss me?”

“I—I don’t know,” Hoseok lies.

“Is is because of Hyunwoo?”

“ _What_?!” He looks at Kihyun, eyes wide. “Why would you think that?”

“I saw him earlier.”

“Okay,” he says, avoiding Kihyun’s eyes. “Why would you think that I kissed you because of him, though?” he asks. His heart is beating wildly. This is _fucked_ up.

“Hoseok…” Kihyun says, his eyes are sympathetic but his mouth is pulled into a thin line. “I know that you like—” Hoseok opens his mouth to protest, “— _liked_ him. You’re extremely transparent with your feelings. At least to me you were, Hyunwoo didn’t seem to really know about them while we dated.”

Hoseok is at a loss for words. All that time Kihyun _knew_.

“Wasn’t it uncomfortable?” he asks then. “Whenever we all hung out?”

“Yes and no. Of course I was jealous of your and Hyunwoo’s closeness, but I kept reminding me that it was me who he dated, not you. I’ll admit that when he broke up with me I kind of hated you.”

Hoseok frowns. “Why?”

Kihyun stares at him, his face blank. “You—” he starts but doesn’t finish his sentence, his eyes flickering with insecurity. He looks at the floor. “It doesn’t matter. I just hated you but when we bumped into one another at college I decided to leave that behind me, understanding that you weren’t exactly the reason for our break up. It’s not your fault Hyunwoo is—was confused at that time.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think right now is the best time to talk about it.”

Hoseok wants to protest, demand the truth, but Kihyun looks so small, so vulnerable, and Hoseok has to remind himself that Kihyun was once in love with Hyunwoo and that it must be painful to talk about him.

“Right, sorry,” he says, patting Kihyun’s shoulder softly.

“Do you—are you still in love with him?” Kihyun asks him after a while.

Hoseok feels put on the spot, like a deer caught in the headlights. He removes his hand from Kihyun’s shoulder and lets it fall into his lap, where he tries to relax it, but he can’t help the way his fingers twitch. He feels nervous and like he’s drowning; he doesn’t know how to answer that. Kihyun takes his silence as an answer—the answer he seemed to expect because he lets out a humorless chuckle, stretching his legs in front of him.

“I knew it.” He lets out a sigh. “I _fucking_ knew it.”

“So, what? What do you want me to say?” Hoseok spits out, suddenly feeling too exposed. The alcohol in his blood making him feel like he’s suffocating. The dizziness in his head only gets worse.

“God, this is hilarious,” Kihyun says, laughing to himself. It’s hollow and fake; his hands are balled into fists.

“How the _fuck_ is this hilarious?”

“You really don’t you?” Kihyun wonders, looking at him, disbelief written all over his face. “You really have no idea, huh?”

“What are you talking about?” Hoseok stands up abruptly, which is bad because he sways, stumbling. Kihyun reaches out his hand to stabilize him. Hoseok is breathing loudly, anger and confusion consuming him.

“Fuck, I hate him.”

“Who?”

The situation only makes Hoseok get a headache. Kihyun is being too cryptic and in his inebriated state Hoseok doesn’t understand shit. He just wants to go home and sleep, maybe cuddle Minhyuk and have him say that things will be alright.

“Hyunwoo. He created this huge mess. He needs to seriously sort out his feelings and talk. I swear to—”

“Guys, what the fuck?” Hyungwon walks up to them, holding three beers, frowning at them. “You disappeared on me and now you’re here; _fighting_? What happened?” he asks, handing them their beers.

Hoseok takes his with a sigh, he doesn’t really feel like drinking it but he doesn’t want to deal with all the feelings swirling around in his mind. Kihyun takes a huge sip of his.

“Hyunwoo was here. Kinda fucked up things,” Kihyun gives him a short explanation, but Hyungwon doesn’t ask for more, just nods his head. He sits down next to Kihyun. Hoseok is still standing but he lets himself fall down onto the couch again, sighing heavily.

“I want to go home,” he mutters.

“Me too,” Kihyun says.

Hyungwon stands up, clapping his hands. “Let’s go then. I’ll call us a taxi.” 

* * *

 

**Late fall '10**

There’s something extremely exhilarating in being seventeen and getting inside a gay club, the bouncer checking their ID’s and not realizing that they’re fake. Hoseok feels giddy and excited, Minhyuk next to him is just as excited, talking non stop about whatever bullshit crosses his mind. Hoseok just nodding at his friend’s words. Hyunwoo and Kihyun are with them, as well, hand in hand, smiling goofily at one another.

Hoseok won’t let that ruin his mood and his first experience at the gay club, he wants to savor this as much as possible and not think about his failure of a love life. Minhyuk’s there to catch him in case something goes wrong and he ends up crying, or whatever. They don’t plan on getting drunk but they want to get each a beer at least.

Hyungwon waits for them, already inside, as his uncle is the owner of the place. He doesn’t exactly condone teenagers getting drunk but one beer is pretty harmless and it’s not as if other young people don’t go partying and break rules. It’s not as if they’ve not gotten drunk before, it’s different though in a club, where older men (creeps) linger in the darker corners. They’ve made a rule for themselves to not accept anyone’s drink and solely focus on themselves and their experience. They just want to be there and dance some until their legs hurt.

For straight people it’s a granted thing to go clubbing while being a teenager. There are a lot of things granted to straight people, like a freedom they’re not even aware of possessing. But for Hoseok and his friends that’s not granted; the moment they realized they weren’t straight they were inside a cage, one they weren’t aware of before, and there aren’t that many moments for them to truly feel free. To feel like there’s nothing wrong with them and it’s normal to feel that way. Which is why Hyungwon’s uncle allowed them to be at his club this night, to see that it’s okay, to see all these other gay people just existing in this confined space, without any danger lingering around them to rob them of what and who they are.

Hyungwon’s uncle wants them to see that it’s okay, they’re okay the way they are, and to feel some of that freedom. Not that a gay club is the only way to experience it, there are pride parades, there are the families gay people built themselves when their own reject them. There’re a lot of ways for them to experience freedom, still, this is merely a start, a glimpse into a world they’ve never seen before that they are a part of.

An hour and a beer later they find themselves on the small dance floor, crowded and barely with space to move, but they don’t care. They’re dancing stupidly to the music, Hoseok and Hyunwoo showing off their professional moves. Minhyuk even trying to work the pole that stands in the club, Hyungwon and Kihyun cheering him on. It’s stupid and childish, in a way, anyone can see that it’s their first time there, that they’re most likely still teenagers. No one bothers them, if anything they receive encouraging smiles from the strangers around them that at some point in their lives had been there, too. Experiencing this first time years ago and seeing these young people, tasting that freedom for a first time, warms their hearts, reminding them it’s not granted that they can be there.

Hoseok is dancing with Minhyuk now, stupid moves, tired to even try anymore to be professional about dancing. They’re making the typical robot dance, laughing their asses off. Hyungwon is doing a thing of his own. Hyunwoo and Kihyun are slow dancing, even if the song is something quick and loud, they have their heads pulled together, their foreheads resting against one another. Hoseok tries not to pry too much, it’s creepy and it’s not good on him, the pain in his chest reappearing.

He promised himself that he would try not to let this affect him. They’ve been dating for a while, he should be used by now, but when they lean in and kiss, his heart shrinks. He stops moving, clenching his fists, tears threatening to spill out. Minhyuk notices it, of course, and nods his head in Hyungwon’s direction, they exchange a quiet conversation—a raise of their eyebrows, facial gestures—and then Minhyuk grabs Hoseok’s shoulders and guides him out of the crowd.

“We’ll be outside, it’s too hot in here,” he hears Hyungwon shout over the music at the two lovers. “You guys can stay in here. We will be back in a while. Have fun.” With that he follows them outside.

Hoseok shivers at the coldness. It’s November after all and he’s just dressed in a thin, black t-shirt, sweat covering his body. But he welcomes the coldness, it makes him focus on it instead of his heartbreak.

“You alright?” Minhyuk asks, one hand on Hoseok’s back, drawing circles.

Hyungwon comes out after a while, holding a plastic bottle of water. He shoves it at Hoseok who takes it gratefully. He opens the cap and downs most of it, trying to soothe the knot in is throat that appeared together with the tears and the urge to cry his heart out.

“Thanks,” he rasps out once he’s done drinking. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Minhyuk asks, frowning.

“For ruining your night.”

“You didn’t,” Minhyuk tells him. He back hugs him now, his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. “This isn’t your fault. Don’t try to make it.”

“Minhyuk is right. You haven’t ruined anything,” Hyungwon agrees. He pats Hoseok’s head, messing up his hair a bit. “Friends come first, always.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” Minhyuk and Hyungwon say at the same time, and Hoseok lets out a soft laugh.

He loves them so much. He’s eternally grateful for their company and understanding, without them he doesn’t know where he would be—who he would be.

“I love you guys,” he tells them after a short silence. Minhyuk hugs him tighter and Hyungwon just smiles at him.

* * *

 

**Spring '15**

It's unsettling how hard the rain is falling but at least the air is warm and the few droplets that spring off the car's window towards Hoseok are refreshingly cold, but the way the small plastic piece over his head rattles with the rain, too loud for Hoseok to hear anything else worries him. He only just recently rid himself of a cold, there's no way he is going to get another one, not when he has a dance showcase so close in front of him. He breathes in, calming himself down, glances up at the piece of plastic that serves as a small rooftop over the exit he is standing at—it's the backdoor of a groceries shop, leading to an alley—and hopes it will hold for whatever long the downpour lasts.

He watches the rain's waters cascade down the alley and towards the main road, disappearing into the canal system through the drain, it's dirty and full of trash, and even if the smell of petrichor is fresh, the alley Hoseok took to hide away from the rain is close to a slaughter house so the air reeks of shit. _Literally_. The rain only makes it worse, intensifying the smell. He taps his foot in the small puddle that has created where he stands, droplets flying up and wetting his jeans but it doesn't really matter, he is wet already anyway.

He is supposed to meet up with Kihyun soon, he told the other man to come to the dance studio as his family restaurant is close to it, but it seems as if Hoseok will delay himself, by over half an hour. _Fuck_. And his phone's battery died earlier when he came out of class so there's no way he can text Kihyun to tell him he'll run late.

Hoseok looks back at the door, there's a small window leading into the shop, and he spots people moving inside. Maybe he could knock and someone will open the door for him, then he could be in a dry place _and_ possibly call Kihyun. But before he can even make up his mind he spots a figure stumbling down the alley, soaking wet and shielding themselves from the rain (it's useless). They seem to spot Hoseok and walk decidedly towards him.

Hoseok swallows in panic and presses himself into the door of the shop, trying to blend with the shadows, but the figure keeps approaching, still sure in their stumbling steps, and then they're close enough for Hoseok to see their face.

“Jooheon?” He is surprised and he forgets all about the rain for that moment, walking out from under the piece of plastic, towards the younger man. He reaches out his hand towards him. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Jooheon rasps out, voice hoarse and weak, and Hoseok notices how skinny and small he looks, how breakable and delicate, and he swallows, this time with another kind of panic crawling up his throat.

An hour later Hoseok sits in the dance studio, door locked, wearing his spare dancing clothes, they're dry but his hair is still wet and droplets slide down his face and back. Kihyun stands in front of him, wearing only his boxers and an undershirt, he looks annoyed and grumpy, his wet clothes are hanging by the opened window of the studio, the rain still falls but not as strong as before. In front of them lies Jooheon, unconscious and still in his wet clothes.

“When you said we needed to talk _this_ is _not_ what I had envisioned,” Kihyun mumbles and kneels down by the side of Jooheon’s body, pressing a hand to his forehead. “We need to get him out of these clothes. I texted Changkyun already, to bring us some dry clothes.”

“This isn't what I had envisioned either but, well…” Hoseok shrugs with one shoulder and leans forward to slowly take off the jacket Jooheon is wearing. “I don't even know how he knew where I was. It's kinda weird," he says once Jooheon’s trousers and hoodie are off, too, only wearing a thin t-shirt and boxers.

“Maybe he followed you.” Kihyun looks at the boy, brows furrowed.

“But, why? It doesn't make sense.”

“You said his name is Lee Jooheon?”

“Yes.” He nods, unsure what that has to do with anything.

“The same guy Minhyuk is in love with?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Hoseok repeats, looking at Kihyun and waiting for whatever conclusion the other is getting at.

“Maybe… he was too scared to approach Minhyuk and instead came looking for you,” Kihyun reasons, scratching his chin pensively. “You said they fought some time ago,” Hoseok nods, “it could be that he needed help but since he fought with Minhyuk he came looking for you. I don't know.”

Hoseok stares at the man on the floor, his brown hair is wet and falling out of his face, some loose strands hanging in his forehead and over his eyebrows, he looks peacefully asleep. His cheekbones stand out way too much and he has a split lip, there's a fading bruise around his neck. Hoseok remembers roughly three years ago when Minhyuk came running to his flat, tears running down his cheeks and his hand shaking violently. He remembers all that Minhyuk told him.

And despite it Minhyuk went back to Jooheon some months later, longing for him, and it went well, the two of them bonding and deepening their friendship until… recently. Hoseok doesn't know what exactly happened but all he knows is that Minhyuk got mad at Jooheon for something and refused to talk to him or even endure the mentioning of his name so Hoseok completely banned the word _Jooheon_ out of his vocabulary for the past couple of months.

But now he can't further push the younger man out of his mind because there he lies, on the floor of the dance studio Hoseok frequents, unconscious and beaten up (although the wounds don't seem to be fresh, they're still visible and nasty). Hoseok can't keep ignoring it and he wonders what Minhyuk must have said for Jooheon to not go to him, despite the seriousness of his situation, and instead looking for Hoseok.

(Hoseok wonders as well what it must have been that Jooheon has gone through that would make him go out of his way to search up a complete stranger—or well, a mere acquaintance from school and now uni—to get help. Does he not have anyone else?)

The noise of a phone beeping pulls Hoseok out of his thoughts and he looks around startled.

Kihyun holds his phone in hand, tapping around on it. “Changkyun’s going to be here in ten,” he says. Hoseok nods to that. He’s vaguely heard of Changkyun. He’s heard Hyungwon talk about him a lot recently. He’s younger than them and from what Hoseok understands he started college last year—graduating early or something like that—and it seems that he’s befriended most of Hoseok’s friends, but he’s never met the younger boy. This would be the first time. “Should we maybe get him a blanket or something?”

“Yeah. Hold on, I'll go to the storage room,” Hoseok tells him, walking through the room to the door that leads to the hallway where the storage room is, together with several other practice rooms and the registration office.

It takes him a while to finally find usable blankets that aren’t old and moldy. He takes two just in case and exits the room, closing the door behind him. Before he can even make his way back to the room where Jooheon and Kihyun are he hears two—ever growing louder—voices from the down the hallway, where the entrance of the dance academy is. He turns his head in time to see two figures approach. One of them is small in stature while the other is taller and buffer. Hoseok freezes as he recognizes the taller of the two, the light in the hallway making Hyunwoo’s facial features look rather demonic than the actual softness that they have. The other person must be Changkyun from what Hoseok has heard of him with his round glasses, pitch black hair, round face with a big nose.

Hyunwoo stops as soon as he spots Hoseok, his eyes widening. His companion stops as well, frowning, and looks in between the two.

“Hi, uh, do you happen to know a Yoo Kihyun?” the boy that Hoseok assumes is Changkyun asks.

“Yeah, I—” he starts and then lifts up the blankets. “I was on my way to him. Come with me.” He nods his head in the direction of where Kihyun and Jooheon are and begins walking down the hallway, overly aware of the fact that Hyunwoo is right there, behind him. He wasn’t ready to see him so randomly, without a warning, but he guesses life rarely gives warning. He pushes open the door to the practice room. “I’m back,” he announces.

Kihyun stands up from where he was crouching next to Jooheon, brushing his hair out of his face softly. He looks at Hoseok and then at the two people that are with him. His eyes linger for a moment on Hyunwoo before he looks away quickly, grimacing. Hoseok supposes it must be really _fucking_ awkward for them, too. They broke up around two or three years ago and from what Hoseok knows it hadn’t been on a friendly basis. He never asked for details, mostly because he doesn’t talk to Hyunwoo anymore, and because, although initially he didn’t like him, Kihyun has become a really good friend to him and he doesn’t want to ruin that.

“Jooheon!” Changkyun exclaims, worried, running towards him. He kneels down besides the young man, resting his hand on Jooheon’s forehead. “Fuck. Give me the blankets,” he demands, reaching out his hand without looking at Hoseok.

Hoseok hands them to him and crouches next to Jooheon as well. He didn’t know Changkyun and Jooheon were friends. It seems as if Changkyun knows _everybody_. He doesn’t dwell much on the thought because he hears someone clear their throat behind him, so he turns around.

Hyunwoo looks uncomfortable, staring at the scene in front of him. “I’ll, uh, I’ll go and wait outside,” he says, awkwardly shifting on his feet, and then he leaves the room.

Once he’s gone Kihyun lets out a long sigh, then he walks over to sit on the floor with them.

“I’m sorry,” Changkyun apologizes, looking at Kihyun with guilt written all over his face. “When you texted me I was playing video games with him and well, he owns a car a so—” he rambles.

“It’s okay,” Kihyun cuts him off. “It’s been three years, I’m fine with it now,” he reassures his friend. Then he looks up at Hoseok. “By the way, Changkyun, this is Hoseok. Hoseok this is Changkyun,” he introduces them.

Hoseok goes for a friendly smile and reaches out his hand but Changkyun’s eyes widen and shortly after he frowns, glancing at Kihyun.

“Nice to meet you,” Hoseok tries again, his hand still hanging in the air. It’s becoming awkward now.

Kihyun clears his throat and Changkyun seems to snap out of whatever state he was in. “Um, right, nice to meet you, too.” He finally takes Hoseok’s hands, shaking it once, briefly, before he lets go and attends Jooheon.

Hoseok has a million questions about that strange behavior just now, but he holds back. It’s not the moment and it’s not for him to know—probably.

* * *

**Winter '15**

It’s a normal day, like any other, in the middle of December. Everything is decorated with Christmas lights and Hoseok looks forward to the holidays. He’s walking out the performative art faculty, done with his classes for the day, he only has three more days of regular classes before the exams start the following week. He’s mostly well prepared.

He has his phone pulled out, texting Minhyuk that he’s on his way home and if they need anything like coffee or toilette paper, when he hears someone call out his name. He stops walking and looks up, and he nearly drops his phone. A couple of feet away stands Hyunwoo. He’s dressed in jeans and a thick coat, a scarf wrapped around his neck, he looks cosy and cute. Hoseok just stares at him.

With a sigh Hyunwoo walks over to him. “Can we talk?” he asks.

Hoseok isn’t sure he’s heard him right so he just says, “what.”

“Can we talk?” Hyunwoo repeats. He looks nervous.

“Um…” Hoseok isn’t sure he’s emotionally available to hold this conversation right now—if ever.

“Please,” Hyunwoo presses.

“Okay,” he agrees, weakly. Hyunwoo gives him a small smile.

They walk over to one of the benches standing by the faculty, surrounded by trees—during spring and summer it looks beautiful but now the trees are ridden of any leaves and the usually green grass with flowers is dead. Hoseok sits at a distance from Hyunwoo, too scared to let him come too close—scared the physical closeness would allow again emotional closeness, he isn’t sure how he feels about Hyunwoo now. Everything has become so complicated over the years. The space not only gave him time to overcome his feelings for Hyunwoo but it had turned him into a stranger as well. Almost five years since their fall out, they’ve both become such different people. Or, at least, Hoseok has.

“Thank you,” is the first thing Hyunwoo says. His hands are shaking. “I wanted to—apologize,” is the next thing he says, and it’s already too much for Hoseok. “I was an asshole. I was confused and insecure and—I don’t know. It was a bad time, back then… But I miss you. And I miss Minhyuk and Hyungwon. I miss the times we would just all hang out and… Yeah, I don’t know.” He deflates, staring at his hands.

Hoseok realizes it’s his turn to say something but from everything he wants to say he doesn’t know _what_ to pick; there’s so, so much. He breathes in and out, counting to ten.

“I guess,” he starts, Hyunwoo looks up at him but Hoseok doesn’t return his gaze, he simply stares at the campus in front of them, “I should apologize as well. A lot from what I said back then, I didn’t mean it. It wasn’t fair and—I’m sorry.” He pauses, trying to sort out his thoughts. (In the back of his head he makes a reminder to schedule an appointment at Dr Min’s, he’ll need it after this.) “I’m sorry I—Minhyuk and Hyungwon are loyal friends and I appreciate it but giving you the cold shoulder wasn’t really fair, I guess.”

“No, I understand. It’s fine,” Hyunwoo interjects, quickly. It feels as if he wants to do anything to have Hoseok back, and that makes Hoseok’s heart ache with a familiar pain. “I really miss you and want to—I just really want us to be friends again.”

Hoseok lets out a long sigh. “Yeah.” He nods his head. “Yeah, me too,” he admits, finally. This is all so complicated.

They could just _ignore it_ he supposes and be friends, not talk about anything that has happened but he knows—and surely Hyunwoo knows, too—that it wouldn’t last long before they would get into another fight. If they really want to make this work they have to talk about it, work through these layers of awkwardness and uncomfortableness before they can really be friends again. Before it can be like it used to, just better, slightly different.

“I really missed you,” Hyunwoo says again.

“I missed you, too,” Hoseok says, honestly. “Do you maybe want to get something to eat?”

Hyunwoo stares at him for a moment, disbelief masking his face, but then he breaks out into a smile. Fuck, Hoseok has missed it so much.

“Yeah, I would love to.”

They stand up and walk towards the bus stop, deciding that they’d drive to the mall and stroll about until they find a place they both can agree on. Hoseok’s phone buzzes and when he pulls it out he sees Minhyuk’s answer. _We need HELLA TOILET PAPER !!!!!!!!!_ it reads and Hoseok grins, feeling extremely giddy.

 

_sorry min, but something came in between_

_you’ll have to buy it_

_man what the fuck??_

_SORRY_

_i’m about to go eat with hyunwoo_

_WHAT ?????_

_i’ll explain later, i promise_

_you BETTER_

 

“Who are you texting?” Hyunwoo asks.

“Hm,” Hoseok distractedly lets out as he sends a bunch of emojis. “Ah, it’s Minhyuk.”

“How is he?” he inquires, curiously.

“He’s doing good. He got an internship at a really good hospital. And him and Jooheon are talking again, working through their amount of shit,” he explains.

After Jooheon sought out Hoseok some months ago, Minhyuk decided to give the younger a chance to explain himself. Ever since then they are on the process of rebuilding their friendship, but Hoseok knows that Minhyuk wants more—so much more—and from the looks of it Jooheon is finally ready to give him that. Jooheon is working on resolving all the trauma he’s faced as a child and teenager from his overly religious family, recovering from all the scars; and Minhyuk is ready to listen and understand where Jooheon comes from, trying to relate to the internalized homophobia. It’s a long process but it’s looking bright these days, Jooheon is allowing Minhyuk to be is loving and caring self with him, and Jooheon is loosening up, laughing and becoming more playful.

“Yeah, I’ve heard from Changkyun that Jooheon is happier these days. Thanks to Minhyuk,” Hyunwoo says, a small smile on his face.

“Ah, yeah, you’re friends with Changkyun. I forgot that.”

“It’s been kinda weird lately, since he hangs out a lot with Hyungwon, and well, Hyungwon hasn’t been the friendliest with me,” he says, scratching his neck awkwardly.

“I’ll talk to him.”

“It’s whatever. I get it. You’re lucky to have him. And Minhyuk.”

“Yeah.” Hoseok realizes then that five years ago Hyunwoo not only lost Hoseok but Hyungwon and Minhyuk, too, and then Kihyun. He was left with no one. “I’m sorry that—I’m sorry,” he simply says again.

“It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re giving me a chance.”

* * *

 

**Spring '17**

Hoseok feels giddy, he’s looking at himself in the big mirror that stands in the living room. He’s wearing skinny, black jeans, a nice dress shirt, and a new jacket over the shirt. His hair is freshly dyed—Minhyuk convinced him to dye it grey, and it looks pretty good on him—and pushed away from his forehead. He looks good, handsome. But even so, there are doubts in the back of his head.

“Don’t overthink, you look good,” Jooheon says, exiting Minhyuk’s room. His hair is a mess and he’s wearing one of Minhyuk’s shirt. “Hyunwoo will blush and stutter. Guaranteed 100%.” He grins, giving Hoseok two thumbs up.

“Thanks,” he says.

The doorbell rings and Hoseok stumbles on his way over to open the door. Hyunwoo stands there, dressed in blue jeans and a white button up, a leather jacket folded over his arm. His black hair is falling softly onto his forehead. He looks so beautiful—ethereal. Just as Jooheon predicted his cheeks turn pink as he takes in Hoseok’s new hair color.

“Oh, that’s—you look nice,” he mutters out, smiling shyly at Hoseok.

“Thank you. You look really handsome.”

“Thank you.”

“Fuck, you two are impossible,” Changkyun pipes up from somewhere outside the flat, dragging out the vowel in the word _fuck_. Someone smacks him. “What the _fuck_ , Hyungwon?” he complains and Hyungwon just shushes him.

They’re going on a double date with Hyungwon and Changkyun. Even if they’ve been dating for three months it’s still so _new_ to Hoseok, he never really thought this would happen, specially after their fight six years ago it seemed as if they would never make up, or even to become friends. But they did and now they’re dating, and Hoseok is falling in love again. He’s falling in love with who Hyunwoo is now and it’s so much stronger than the first time because it’s reciprocated and there’s nothing standing in their way. Kihyun was supportive even, saying that he was fine and wanted nothing more than the two of them coming together, since that had been one of the main reasons for his and Hyunwoo’s break up six years ago.

“Let’s go,” Changkyun whines, “I’m hungry.”

“You’re so not romantic, why do I like you?” Hyungwon wonders to himself.

“Because I—”

“ _That_ was a rhetorical question. Please refrain from answering, thanks.”

Hyunwoo and Hoseok exchanged a look, both holding back from laughing. The four of them then went on their way to the restaurant they booked for the date, afterwards they had planned to go to the amusement park, as there were discounts for couples on this day. Hoseok interlaced his fingers with Hyunwoo’s—it still makes him giddy and he hopes it will never stop.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm glad i finALLY got to finish this hhhhh
> 
> thank you for reading!! ILY
> 
>  
> 
> mayb come say hi on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/dramarama_mv) !!


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